anti- depressants
I've been prescribed with anti- depressants, and i will have to see a counseller, and it's all lucus's fault.
I went to see him on Tuesday, only him and his sis were there, his parents were out someplace. When i spoke to his sis, i got the feeling that she did'nt know that me and lucus had broken up, but i did'nt think much of it and did'nt say anything either, i wanted to, but did'nt.
When lucus took me up to his room, my eyes caught a box, which had my belongings in it, so i asked him, what he was doing with my stuff and he said that he was getting things together, so that he could return it back to me.
" So you don't wanna get back together?" i asked straightout, and he said
" No Chloe, i told you, i did'nt want you back and i meant it, i just don't see you in the same why anymore, listen i don't wanna get mad at you, i'm trying to be civil here, we've both changed alot, and i don't think that things will work out between us even if we do get back together, your just not the girl i used to know".
I had so much hope that we would get back together, but his words shattered me, had i really changed that much, i kept on thinking, i began crying silently.
Then Lucus said as i was here, i might as well take my stuff with me, is that all he cared about, it made me so vexed " is that all you fuckin care about, getting rid of the stuff, i'm SORRY it's cramping your room, but did you even think for a second, how i'm supposed to even carry a big box like that all on my own, i did'nt come in a cheuffer driven car you know" as i said that, i totally lost it, i grabbed the box and started throwing the contents around the room, and kicked at the c.d's, and when that did'nt satisfy my anger, i began chucking lucus's things around the room, i was screaming and crying.
He got mad at me, for doing so, and for the first time ever, since i've know him he, slapped me on the right side of my face, i was stunned, i did'nt know he could do that, my tears fell harder, and i lost control, i started hitting and punching him on his chest, he fought back trying to stop me,
Then his sister came up to see wat all the noise was, and i ended up screwing at her, and told her to get lost, in the end lucus, could'nt take it anymore, he pushed me to the bed, and took out his mobile, as i was crying to badly, i could'nt make out what he was saying, but i knew he was calling my parents, i hated him so much rite then, how could he do that to me, what did he think i was gonna do?
When dad arrived, i was still crying, my eyes were blazed, i don't remember much, but dad had to force me into the car, as i clung on to lucus tightly.
It was horrible, all the neighbours, were givin me evil looks, this once sweet girl, was now a syko to them. Lucus put my stuff into the boot, and told my dad that if i ever came near him or his family ever gain, i'd be sorry.
When we arrived home, i was still hyesterical, you should've seen the look in jay's face, i don't know if it was hurt of disgust. Mom did'nt help much either, instead of comforting me, she had a go at me, saying how shamful it was of me for having a spazz at lucus's sister, and that i was lucky his parents were'nt there, to witness all that.
Mom made me feel so cheap, the one time i wanted her to comfort me, she was starting a kickoff, i felt like i'd let everyone down, i wanted to punish myself, so i started kicking the doors, and throwing more of my moms things, my head was spinning at the time, the next thing i remember is waking up in the doctors couch, with my mom was sitting in the chair, after i'd come round, the doctor said that he wanted to talk to me, so he asked if i wanted my mom present, i said no, so after she left the room, he asked me if anything was bothering me at that moment i broke down into tears, and told him, that whenever i felt angry or insecure, i wanted to punish myself, and the only way i knew how was to cut myself or to start breaking things and going completly histerical, and that it made me feel relieved.
After a long chat and writing notes, the doctor prescribed me with Nortripyline 10 mg tablets for mild depression for a course of 3 months, he said as i was'nt suffering from anything extreme, he would'nt prescribe me anything major, and more then anything right now, i needed to talk to someone proffessional, so he said that he would refer me to a counseller.
So yeh i'm on anti-depressants now, i take 1 three times a day, and i feel much more at ease with myself, but taking the medicine still does'nt take away the pain and hurt i feel, i miss him soo much, and if i was'nt emotionally disturbed right now, i would've gone round to his house, but in a fit state or not, i guess he'll never want to see me again, especially after i screwed at his sis.
Damm, why did i lose it like that...............